Cold
by Dootzbugg
Summary: Things don't always work out as planned. TommyKim.
1. Authors Note

Updated Author's Note:

Hello all. ::waves:: I know that it's been a few years since I've touched this story and most of you guys have probably forgotten about it, and for that, I am truly sorry. I thought that if I continued to write it, that it would put me back into the mind frame that I was in before, and it certainly wasn't the best one to be in. But lately I've been thinking that this story needs to be continued.  
I've noticed several typos and things that I would change in the chapters one through four, but since that's what I was feeling at the time, right or wrong, that it wouldn't be right to change it. So they shall stay as is; typos and all. I would also like to mention that I have written this story for several reasons. The first and foremost being that it was, and continues to be, cathartic to me. The second reason is that I hope to shine a light on some subjects that while painful, are not anything to be ashamed about. Thank you again to everyone that read this before, and I hope that it piques your interest again. Reviews are, as always, very much appreciated.


	2. Chapter 1

Author: Kerry Disclaimer: None of the characters below belong to me. They are owned by Saban and Disney. I don't own squat. And if you wanna sue me, believe me, it's not worth it. Macy's doesn't pay me enough. Warning: This is a dark fic, so please don't yell at me for not warning you. This is not my best work, so don't expect much.

**"Cold"  
**

What if your whole life crashed down in a single moment? With a single phrase uttered? It was an innocent day, I was driving with some friends to go to a fair. I had just gotten off the phone with Tommy the night before, so I was in a particularly good mood. See..we've had our problems over the years, but we always got back together. Because that's what soulmates do.

I was sitting in the car, laughing as a friend told a joke when my cell phone rang. It was an old neighbor of Tommy's, who had gone to see him in Angel Grove for the weekend. I was thinking that it was a bit odd that he would be calling, he and I had only met a few times. But he seemed nice. He asked me if I was sitting down. Of course I was sitting down, I was in a car. And besides, what game was he playing?

He explained to me that there had been an accident. Tommy had been driving down the highway and a drunk driver had been speeding, and hit and flipped over the median onto Tommy's car. He was killed instantly. I did the oddest thing in the world, I laughed. I told him if Tommy put him up to this, I was going to kill him. The it hit me. Tommy wasn't the type of person to tell someone to do that to me. He loved me too much.

I stared down into my lap where my engagement ring sparkled on my finger. I stared at it, dumbfounded, and told him to call back later. How weird. Call back later? But it was too much information to compute at one moment. I guess I sounded like I didn't believe him, because the next time my phone rang, it was Tommy's mother. The minute I picked up the phone, I knew. I knew just by the sound of her voice. I somehow managed to ask her if she needed me to come by, but she was about to go out and be with family.

I slowly hung up the phone, and ever so slowly tears welled in my eyes. A tear rolled down my cheek and splashed on my ring. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. Tommy, dead? Tommy couldn't ever die. He was my white knight. He was the leader of the Power Rangers how many times? It wasn't possible. If all the bad guys over the years couldn't kill him...how could a car? It was all so surreal. He and I were supposed to be together forever. That's how it works. You separate for a time, get back together, and spend eternity together.  
I turned the car around and headed for home.

So here I stand. Watching them lower my love into the ground. The ground, where he'll be cold. He hated the cold. He told me that once. He loved skiing, but hated the cold. Everyone turns and walks back to their cars. I stand, unblinking, as the cemetery workers settle the casket in the ground. Someone touches my shoulder and tells me it's time to leave.

I turn, and realize it's David. The brother who Tommy loved so much. I shake my head and tells him that I can't leave. He'll be lonely if I leave. David gently explains to me that he's dead, and gone, and he can't be lonely. But I seem to be beyond sanity, and I almost refuse to leave. I wanted to stay there, forever with him. But David takes my hand and leads me from his grave. I dig my heels in the ground, refusing to go, but he takes me anyway. But I find some small comfort. He and I won't be apart long. There's that bottle of pills at home with my name on it. I'll see you soon, my white knight.

A.N: This is based on true events that have happened in my life. My boyfriend died this past August from an aneurysm. And yes, I did have several suicidal thoughts, especially because my sister died two months later. Please R&R.


	3. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I still do not own, PR. Look below story for Author's Note.

I don't know the exact moment I decided to live. To not take the pills I stare at every night. Maybe it was when I realized that my friends needed me. Not to save the world anymore, but to at least save myself. When one experiences such excruciating heartbreak, it's as if someone chose to stab you in the heart with the biggest butcher knife they can find. When I got that phone call, my heart died. That moment in time, which I'll remember forever was the beginning of the darkest period in my life, in which there seemed no hope. It was as if the pain had opened up a new world for me. A world in which there was no light, no happiness, no end; save for death.

Sometimes, in my dreams, I see him. A few nights ago, I fell asleep hugging Olly, the bear he had given me so long ago. I dreamed and saw him then. Beautiful long brown hair shining in the sun, standing on the shores of Angel Grove lake. It was there that we shared our first kiss. Our fondest memories lay deep within the shores, and in the water that cleansed them. I remember him as he was. Handsome_. Alive._ We embrace, and I kiss his willing and generous lips. He smiles at me, gazing those beautiful chocolate eyes down at me. We make love on the shore, watching the sun sink behind the mountains just as I reach completion. He shudders, reaching his own peak inside of me. "Tommy" I murmur, staring deep into his eyes. "I'm going to love you forever". He smiles, and lays his head on my chest, closing his eyes and wrapping his strong muscular arms around me. As I close my own eyes, I slowly awaken.

I have dreamed of him so often, just to find myself alone when I wake up. Most evenings I found sleep to be as easy to catch a hold of as clouds. I find myself laying there, tears sliding silently down my face, praying to God to take me in my sleep. So that I may be with my love. Finding solace in the thought of being in Tommy's arms again, I close my eyes.

I have stopped living. Not finding my end at the bottom of a pill bottle. But finding the end of everything else by merely existing. I do not remember the last time I bathed. I haven't eaten in over a week, finding my appetite to be non-existent. I lost my job as a gymnastics coach at the Juice Bar, and spend my days living in my apartment that I can no longer afford. Most of these thoughts occur to me only rarely. Nothing matters anymore. The only thing that has ever mattered to me is gone. I cannot bear to think that he has died. I prefer to think of him as lost, finding that it lessens the flow of tears somewhat.

'Maybe tomorrow will be better' I think to myself, laying down on my bed. 'Maybe tomorrow it will not hurt so much that he is gone'. Even as I think that, I want to slap myself. 'Nothing will _ever_ be better' I tell myself fiercely. How can it? Everything that I built, my past, my present and my future revolved around him. Plans of a wedding, a big house that would be filled with the laughter of children all gone. In the split second that it took Tommy to leave this life, everything was shattered. _I _was shattered.

I am no longer the strong person I used to be. I no longer wear the bright pink spandex suit, nor do I save the people of Angel Grove from monsters bent on destroying them. I thought that I lost myself when I passed on my powers to Kat. I chuckle to myself at that thought. I knew nothing of real loss. The kind that staggers you and makes you fall to the ground sobbing whatever is left of your heart out. I was sad because I could no longer morph into a vapid valley girl who has a little skirt on? I was so fucking stupid.

The old Kimberly is gone. The only thing left of the happy and cheerful person I used to be is a black hole. There is nothing left of me. Everything that I was, that I could and should have been was buried in that coffin that contains the love of my life. Or what is left of him.

It is hard to think of someone's body as just being their "shell". The first thing I saw upon waking up in the morning was his beautiful face, eyes closed in peaceful sleep. A shell can not give you the feeling of being safe, and loved when giving you a hug. His body was capable of great things. It could be fierce when he was battling the latest monster. Yet it could be ever so gentle when making love to me, holding me as if I would break. My Tommy was no shell.

Dead bodies do not look as if they are sleeping, as everyone tells you. They look dead. When I saw my love lying in repose nestled among the silk and pillows, he was not peaceful. His skin was cold and slightly wrinkled, and his mouth that I had kissed so tenderly so many times was sewed shut. Tommy's eyes that had first met mine across the room that fateful day of his karate competition were also shut un-naturally. My love was gone. But yet a part of him still remained. I did not want his body buried.

I shake my head, clearing away those memories for a little while. I lay in my bed, closing my eyes and saying my usual prayer for God to come and take me. Maybe this night I shall dream of my white knight again, so that I may at least be at peace for a little while.

A.N: That you for everyone who has reviewed. I appreciate all the kind words. Yes, writing this story is very cleansing and therapeutic for me. I hope all of my reviews are as sweet as you ten are. I can't thank you guys enough. I'm sorry it took so long for a chapter two. I had knee surgery and was bed-ridden for awhile, and I didn't know exactly how to write a continuing chapter. I hope that I can get some more reviews, because I don't want to continue writing a story that is not very well received. And fair warning to all, it will continue to get darker from here on out. Look for more chapters this week.


	4. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own PR. Deal with it.

I sat looking at the blood trickling slowly down my arm. Feeling the rush of contentment flowing through my veins. Not caring that I was making a mess all over my bed, I grabbed a towel to dab at my arm. Suddenly feeling as if one cut was not sufficient, I took the razor blade on my hand and slowly drew it over my wrist. Feeling the absolute pain, followed by a release comparable to having an orgasm. I reach over and grab the towel to clean up once more. Not bothering to find a bandage, I lay back and close my eyes.

Thinking back, I don't believe I can pinpoint the exact moment in which I decided to become a cutter. I didn't sit down and think of ways to hurt myself, nor did I ponder committing suicide; for very long, anyway. Flipping listlessly through the channels on the huge television Tommy had convinced me that we needed, I came across a Lifetime movie dealing with self-mutilation. It was as if a light bulb had gone off over my head. I had barely heard of cutting, and yet it was right in front of my face. I had a razor in the bathroom..

Growing up in Angel Grove we never really had the problems facing young people today. My friends and I were incredibly sheltered. Though a few of us had our crosses to bear. Billy for instance, losing his mother so early in his life, scarred him a little bit. It showed in his dealings with Trini and I, as well girls he developed crushes on. He never had a feminine influence in his life, and his father was so busy with work, with running from his own pain, he rarely had time for his only son.

Tommy also had hidden pain no one knew about. He was adopted, and loved his adoptive parents more then life itself, but there was something lacking for him, family wise. He never knew his birth parents, and there was a gaping hole in his heart that would never mend, no matter how deeply he was loved by his adoptive parents. Only I knew the tears he shed when Ms. Appleby gave us the assignment of making a family tree in high school.

I myself had an invisible burden to bear. My parents divorced when I was about thirteen, and it broke my heart. My mother was always so busy helping me be the best gymnast I could be, from finding the best coaches, to traveling with me to competitions, I believe that my father came second to me, in my mothers mind. Her marriage wasn't as important as a smile lighting up my young face as I received another gold medal. My father was a deeply loving and patient man, but could not bear his wife choosing their daughter over him. I blamed myself, as most children do when their parents divorce, and it was very hard for me to open myself up to a serious relationship when I grew older.

Growing up, Zack also had things he blamed himself for. The Taylor's moved to Angel Grove when Zack was a younger kid who was very rebellious and wasn't prone to following rules. He was kicked out of many schools because they just could not deal with such a hyperactive boy. His mother had many roots in his hometown of San Diego, and was heartbroken when they had to move to Angel Grove just to find a school suitable for Zack. Seeing his mother's tears was a wake-up call for Zack, and he matured and grew up to be the wonderfully caring person he is today. Though he is still very bouncy.

Angel Grove High was our sanctuary. Though being constantly assailed by Rita and her monsters, we always knew school was a safe place. There were no fights, no violence, other then the random school science project being zapped into a two hundred foot volcano. And surprisingly enough there were no teenage pregnancies, no anorexic girls walking around, and no drugs and alcohol problems. All those things affecting every other high school in America just kind of seemed to skip over AGH. The happy and tight-knit group of friends that wandered those halls wearing our ranger colors is no more. At least to me it is.

Opening my eyes, I glance down at the shallow slashes I have made over my left wrist. I do not do it to die, though if that happened because of my cuts, it is of little consequence to me. I notice that the deeper of the two cuts is still bleeding, and won't stop. I stare at it, eyes slightly glazed over in pain. Maybe it will stop, and maybe it won't. I should probably be afraid. But I can't seem to muster up the will to care.

A.N: Thank you all for the lovely reviews that I have received, it means a lot to me. Sorry I made you cry, Shamrock, but I couldn't help it. Expect some new chapters to come within the week. Thanks all for being patient. I haven't pre-written any chapters, so I'm kind of just winging it.


	5. Chapter 4

Trini called today. I ignored the call, as usual. I cannot bear to hear the words that come out of friends mouths now. While words of comfort usually brought solace to my soul before Tommy died, now they are just empty words. I know it is selfish of me to expect people to understand. They can't. And I hope to God they never will be able to. Because to truly understand what it is like..you would have to lose someone of great importance to your life. I would never wish that on my worst enemy. I've heard many things from my friends, now scattered across the globe. From the ubiquitous "He's in a better place now." And my personal favorite, "He would want you to go on with your life." _Damn them._ They don't know what their talking about. Tommy and I had discussed death before, and what it would mean to us as a couple. While not coming right out and saying that he would commit suicide if I ever died before him, he had said that he couldn't live without me. Nor I, him.

I feel like a child who could not get her way about something. I want to throw myself on the floor and throw the biggest tantrum I could muster, pounding my fists and sobbing my eyes out. Hoping that when I got up, things would be better. I miss being a child. Being care-free, knowing there was always someone around to take care of you. No responsibilities. No pain aside from the occasional scraped knee. How badly I want to go back in time to when Tommy and I were happy and everything was okay. I want to tell my past self t to fight less with him, and enjoy her time with him more. You don't realize how one day you regret those petty squabbles that seemed so important at the time. It's not. Enjoy your time together, because it can be so fleeting.

You hear that all the time, you know? "Life is short, enjoy it while it lasts." But no one really abides by that. Especially when your young. Life seems endless, and you don't make any plans for any longer then what your doing next week. Tommy and I had grand dreams. Together, we thought, we could do and be anything. There was no Tommy and Kimberly. Not one without the other. Just a set. It's hard for me to remember a time when it was just Kim. Heed my warning, if you do not have an identity outside of your significant other, you have _nothing_ when you lose them.

When I say that I lost it all the day he died, I truly mean it. Be with your lover, but don't _be_ your lover. It's as hard to explain as it is to read I'm sure. I did not fully lose myself in my relationship, but the dreams I had for the future were so tightly wrapped up in him that I lost them when he died. I feel lost.. I am but a shell.. I have stopped feeling for the most part. I just exist. If it wasn't for these pieces of paper that I hastily scribble down my tormented thoughts on, I would have no identity. It surprised me the depth of the pain that I'm experiencing. It's not just that I lost my lover, my soul mate. I lost so much more then that. I lost my best friend, my confidant. I lost my shoulder to cry on when I was upset. I lost my best cheerleader that I could ask for. And it's so much more that I cannot possible put into words.

I believe it is a good thing that we do not have many drugs in Angel Grove, for as much anti-drug as I was growing up, I might be sorely tempted now. Even alcohol does not provide me the escape I need. For if your depressed before you begin drinking, your ever more depressed when your staggering towards the bathroom looking for a razor to slice yourself open. Is it bad that I find blood to be beautiful now? When I see it, bubbling slowly from my open wrist, I am fascinated. That if you lose just enough of it..you stop existing.

I hope that one day, whomever finds these papers will understand what I am going through. As for now, I will keep writing, and keep these precious scribbles close to my heart, for it is all I have left of myself.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything in the story but my words and feelings. Every character and town mentioned in this story belongs to Haim Saban.

A.N: Thanks all who stuck with me. This is a long and arduous process, to let myself remember how I felt, and still occasionally feel. It opens more floodgates then you will ever know. Several of this chapters were written in solemn contemplation, or through tear blurred eyes. I hope you can look past any minor mistakes that I have made in the typing of this story. Having said that, I appreciate all your reviews. Truly. I know that many of you cannot understand, but can certainly sympathize. That means everything to me. Knowing that I have people out there that take time out of their day to write something nice about my story puts a smile on my face. Thank you all. I can't tell you when any new chapters are coming, because I myself do not know. Every new chapter written both depresses me, and frees my soul a little bit, from it's burden. I can promise you though, loyal readers, I will write when I m able.


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